Author: Mel WAGENAAR
Educational Psychologist, Teacher and Mother, South Africa
As a parent, witnessing your toddler sink their teeth into another child is an alarming and upsetting experience. Biting is a surprisingly common behaviour during the toddler years, but that doesn’t make it any less concerning when it happens. The good news is that with the right approach, you can help your little one overcome this phase and learn more positive ways to express themselves.
As a psychologist, I can assure you that biting is a normal part of a toddler’s development, even if it’s not a behaviour we want to encourage. Biting tends to peak between 12-24 months of age, as toddlers are rapidly developing physically and socially. During this time, they are learning impulse control, negotiation, and other social skills that will eventually replace biting as a go-to behavior. Toddlers bite for a variety of reasons:
Teething – When toddlers are getting new teeth, biting can provide relief for the pain and discomfort they are feeling. Providing teething toys, cold foods, or other appropriate alternatives can help soothe this need.
Exploring their world – Toddlers are natural explorers and use their mouths to investigate new people and objects. Biting is one way they learn about their environment and the people around them.
Expressing emotions – Toddlers have big feelings that they don’t yet have the words to express. Biting can be a way for them to communicate anger, frustration, excitement, or even affection.
Attention-seeking – Sometimes toddlers will bite in order to get a reaction from parents or other caregivers. They may have learned that biting leads to getting the adult’s attention, even if that attention is negative.
Imitating others – If a toddler has seen other children or even adults bite, they may try to imitate that behaviour.
Regardless of the reason, biting is a behaviour that needs to be addressed. Left unchecked, it can become a habit that is difficult to break. The good news is that with patience and consistent guidance, most toddlers will outgrow this phase. When your toddler bites someone, it’s important to act quickly and decisively. Here are some steps to take:
- Attend to the victim first. If the bite has broken the skin or is bleeding, clean the area and apply ice to reduce swelling. Comfort the victim and let them know it’s not their fault.
- Speak firmly to your toddler and say something like “No, we don’t bite. Biting hurts.” Use a calm but firm tone to make it clear the behaviour is unacceptable.
- Remove your toddler from the situation for a brief time-out, no more than 1 minute per year of age. This gives them a chance to calm down.
- Once your toddler has regained composure, talk to them about why biting is wrong. Explain that it hurts people and that we need to use our words instead.
- Redirect your toddler’s attention to a different activity or toy. This helps them transition out of the biting incident.
It’s important not to shout, hit, or bite your toddler back, as this can reinforce the behavior you’re trying to stop. Stay calm and consistent in your response. In addition to responding appropriately when biting occurs, there are things you can do to help prevent biting in the first place:
Provide Outlets for Big Feelings – Toddlers have intense emotions that can sometimes feel overwhelming. Give them healthy ways to express these feelings, like hitting a pillow, stomping their feet, or using their words. Validating their emotions can go a long way.
Teach Them What to Do Instead – When you see your toddler getting frustrated or excited, gently remind them “Use your words” or “Can you tell your friend you want the toy?” Modelling the language you want them to use can help.
Give Plenty of Attention – Toddlers who feel ignored or overlooked may resort to biting to get the attention they crave. Make sure to give your child one-on-one time each day, even if it’s just 10-15 minutes.
Avoid Overstimulation – Toddlers can become overwhelmed in chaotic or loud environments. If you notice your child getting wound up, take them to a quiet space for a break.
Be Consistent – Make sure all caregivers, including childcare providers, grandparents, and other family members, are on the same page about how to respond to biting. Consistency is key.
With time and patience, most toddlers will outgrow the biting phase. In the meantime, stay calm, be proactive, and know that you’re not alone in dealing with this challenging behavior. In some cases, biting may be a sign of a deeper issue that requires additional support. Here are some signs that it may be time to seek help from a professional:
– Biting that is frequent, severe, or doesn’t improve with consistent intervention
– Biting that is accompanied by other concerning behaviours like aggression, self-harm, or delayed development
– Biting that is causing serious injury or trauma to the victim
– Biting that is impacting your child’s ability to participate in activities or make friends
If you notice any of these red flags, don’t hesitate to reach out to your paediatrician or a child therapist. They can help you get to the root of the issue and develop a plan to address the behavior in a healthy way.
If your toddler attends child care, it’s important to communicate openly with their teachers about any biting incidents. Work collaboratively with teachers to ensure a consistent approach between home and school. Discuss strategies you’re using to address the behavior and ask the teachers to reinforce those methods. It is also important to request regular updates from teachers on your child’s biting incidents and progress. Avoid placing blame. Remember that biting is a common toddler behavior that teachers deal with regularly. Focus on working together to support your child. Open communication and a united front between parents and teachers can go a long way in helping toddlers overcome a biting phase. By addressing the behavior consistently across settings, you’re more likely to see improvements over time.
When your child bites another, you’ll need to navigate interactions with the other parents involved. This can be an emotional and sensitive situation, but handling it with empathy and responsibility is important. First, apologise promptly to the other parent. Take responsibility for your child’s actions and offer to cover any costs or replace damaged items. Keep the other parents informed of the steps you’re taking at home to address the biting. Avoid defensiveness, acknowledge their concerns, and emphasize your commitment to resolving the issue. If the incident happened at school, meet together with the teacher to discuss the situation and coordinate a unified approach. Maintain confidentiality, focusing on the behaviour, not the individual. With empathy, transparency, and a willingness to take responsibility, you can build understanding with the parents of bitten children. Indeed, they may have a child who bites too!
Using stories is a great way to prepare children for the challenges in their worlds. The following resources are great for finding storybooks that deal appropriately with this topic:
Little Parachutes: This a useful and friendly collection of picture books that help children cope with worries, health issues and new experiences (big and small), including biting. https://www.littleparachutes.com/tag/biting/
Bookroo: This list focuses on board and picture books, which are ideal for those in the biting stages. https://bookroo.com/explore/books/topics/biting
From these lists, “Leon Bites” and “Piranhas Don’t Eat Bananas” provide a humorous and engaging approach to addressing biting. Rather than adopting a moralizing or preachy tone, these storybooks present the topic in a light-hearted manner that is more likely to captivate and resonate with children. This conversational, non-judgmental style is more effective to discourage biting compared to more obviously instructional resources on the subject. The imaginative narratives and illustrations allow the books to impart lessons about appropriate behaviour in a fun, memorable way that avoids lecturing children.
The toddler years can be full of challenging behaviours, but know that you’ve got this. With patience, consistency, and a little creativity, you can help your toddler learn to express themselves without resorting to biting. Wishing you all the best on this journey!
