Author: Dr. MOK, Wing Si Joyce
Senior Clinical Psychologist
Next Sunday is Father’s Day! Mr. Chan and his family of four are discussing how to celebrate this special day. Both his daughter and son have different activity suggestions, as they both want to express their gratitude to their father on this annual occasion. Mr. Chan is usually busy with work and has a reserved personality, which gives his children a serious impression. However, he is fair and meticulous in his dealings and is respected by his children. On the other hand, Mrs. Chan is a full-time homemaker who takes care of the children, so they are closer to her. Observing Mr. Chan’s serious side and Mrs. Chan’s gentle side reminds me of the traditional Chinese description of parental roles, namely “strict father, compassionate mother.” This leads me to ponder whether “strict” and “compassionate” represent two completely different parenting styles and whether one caregiver can possess both qualities simultaneously.
Let’s refer to the popular “Circle of Security Parenting” program to understand how the qualities of an effective caregiver are described. The program uses the metaphor of “hands” to describe the caregiver’s functions. These “hands” encourage children to explore while also providing protection and comfort when they feel tired or encounter difficulties during their exploration. The caregiver, like a pair of supporting hands, constantly conveys the message to the child: “I will always be here, watching over you, enjoying with you, and welcoming you to seek help whenever you need it.” With these strong and reliable “hands” as a support, children can explore with confidence!
To become a pair of effective “hands,” caregivers need to consistently demonstrate maturity and strength, even more so than the children. At the same time, they should be tolerant and compassionate toward the children. This allows children to develop a sense of security and believe that the caregiver is a reliable and capable person who can protect and assist them. Additionally, children feel that their needs and feelings are heard and understood by the caregiver. For example, when children make mistakes, the caregiver shows understanding and support, helping them correct their errors. When children are feeling down, the caregiver provides love and comfort, making them feel warm and secure. Children know that no matter how strong their emotions are, the caregiver will be there to offer support, guidance, and the necessary help. However, caregivers also need to establish boundaries for children’s behaviour (e.g., no harm to oneself or others). Caregivers set appropriate expectations and standards based on the child’s age and cognitive abilities, allowing them to learn discipline and norms. Within these safe boundaries, children can make autonomous choices. If a child’s behaviour exceeds the boundaries, the caregiver guides them back within the limits.
Returning to the description of “strict father, compassionate mother,” we can see that these two qualities are not completely opposing but can coexist within one caregiver. Mr. Chan is a serious father who teaches his children in a just and rigorous manner, teaching them right from wrong and expecting them to follow rules. This parenting style helps the children develop discipline and a sense of responsibility. At the same time, Mr. Chan is a caring father. Even though he may not express his emotions openly, he listens to his children’s thoughts and feelings and extends a helping hand when they need it, making the children feel that he is a reliable supporter.
An effective caregiver needs to exhibit firmness and steadfastness when necessary, while also displaying kindness and tolerance. This parenting style, which combines strictness and compassion, allows children to believe that the caregiver is not only reliable and capable but also understands their needs and feelings. This helps children establish a sense of stability, enabling them to explore with confidence!
